I’m having a staring contest. And I’m losing. Because guess what was on my porch when I got home this evening:
That’s it. That’s the one. The reason for 3—erm, 4—years of anxiety.
So, I’m having a staring contest with an unopened UPS box on my kitchen table, because this is unequivocally the most terrifying moment in my life.
Well, right now it is, anyway. Needless to say, the most terrifying moment is the breath before stepping onto a stage and doing a reading, or a Q/A about my books. Yeah, that’s blood-draining, brain-numbing, heart-stoppingly horrible.
Public speaking aside, as I sit here taking deep breaths and picturing all the ways my design/edits/colors might have gone wrong, I can feel my heart racing. It’s champagne-fizz, chest-bursting anxiety. It’s the cold and certain doubt that I am not smart enough, clever enough, good enough to be an author. It’s all of these things and none.
After 4 years of writing, editing, rewriting, re-editing, deleting, and expounding: after endless days and sleepless nights, after all of it, all that stands between me and my book is a little piece of cardboard. In the end, there’s only one thing to do.
I brought in firewood and got the fire going. I fed the dog. I fed the cats (again), because overfeeding the cats is an easy source of instant gratification. I put some laundry in the wash and hung up some shirts to dry. I brushed my angry little dog and was rewarded with…what’s the opposite of instant gratification? Slow-burning regret?
Anyway, here I am again. Staring.
And it is perfect. It’s everything and more. It’s beautiful, fresh and new. I opened my book, smelled my book’s new book smell, and a slow grin split my face. Because this is it. The way I want to feel for the rest of my life.
We are on track for my Dec. 11 pub date. You will be able to order online from Amazon/Barnes and Noble on the 11th. If you’d prefer to order from my site, I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to ship by the 11th. I ordered my copies this afternoon, but I’m literally cutting the timing down to the day. If there are any delays, I won’t get the copies in time for the 11th.
But, if you DO order from me, I can sign your copy, enclose some bookmarks, and wrap my book up for you.